YEA VERILY LET IT BE KNOWN I have come here this day to tell the fine peasants, midwives, butchermen, dog-mongers, stable-cleaners, horse-renderers, royal headsmen, juvenile labor managers, hunstmen, magical fairie folk, unclean petitioners accursed with leprosy and other assorted huddled miserable folk of the town of Pontypridd great and small more news of the fantastic new development of “amusements” which one may for brief periods of time be diverted of our horrid continued existence.
Throwing Rocks at Children
IN THIS FINE NEW AMUSEMENT one may find a suitable child, not too fast as to be difficult to strike nor too lame as to make for uninteresting sport, and hurl an assortment of stones, river-rocks, gravel and rolling boulders onto that child. Care should be taken as not to maim too severely the healthiest and choicest of children so as to deprive the coal mines of laborers, nor to disturb stones as such owned by the King shall themselves be stoned to death using the King’s own stones. Instead stone-piles shall be erected in the town square along with a crate of apples by which to lure likely children.
IN THE EVENT THAT YOU HAVE RUN OUT OF SUITABLE CHILDREN or your children cannot be lured out of hiding, one may substitute the the infirm and elderly of no less than forty years of age, although it is frowned upon by or holy King’s ruling agency for rock throwing to hurl rocks at those without the ability to gainfully hobble away from a pelting of stones. Also it is advised not to throw stones at lackwits, imbeciles and other adult undesirables least they become wroth and attack onlookers.
Setting Fire To Witch-Huts
IT IS KNOWN THAT WITCHES are a plague upon the King’s land, and persecuting them onto death should not be viewed as an amusement but as one’s civic duty. However our wise King has devised a way in which even this chore may be seen as a comical diversion for all.
FIRST ONE MAY ASSEMBLE A SPACIOUS WITCH-HUT made of twig and twine by which to lure witches within, stocking such hut with fattened children, goats and other disagreeable beasts. If one were to then lay in wait no more than a fortnight, it is almost assured that such a hut will have attracted at least one witch if not an entire coven, and then as such one may simply assemble a rude crucifix and seal the witches within and set alight to the Witch-Hut, thus preserving our town and providing no small amusement for any and all assembled
IN THE CASE THAT THE AFOREMENTIONED WITCHES should in their fornications with Satan foresee our King’s righteous and cunning plan, one may readily convert any suspected Witch-House into a Witch-Hut by first standing before the home of a suspected witch and declaring the afflicted women-folk inside as such. If none come to their defense within three days of such an accusation, one may safely christen such a home as a Witch-Hut and then set it aflame in the customary manner.
Provoking, Then Escaping From Mountain Lion Attack
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT HARMING ANY OF OUR KING’S WILD BEASTS IS PROHIBITED BY DEATH, but that does not strictly mean one may not derive some small amusement by our king’s blessed bounty of deadly predators that both protect and terrorize our King’s subjects.
IF ONE MAY VENTURE FORTH WITH A LARGE STICK or pointed rock into any local cave housing one of the King’s terrible cats, one may then provoke such a beast into attacking the adventurous townsperson and then promptly partake in a merry chase. One may also assemble townsfolk nearby to observe this amusement and take wagers upon how far said townsperson may flee before being captured by the great cat and torn asunder.
GREAT CARE MUST BE TAKEN by the participants not to direct the great cat into the crowd of revelers, lest we repeat a similar folly that took place last Winter’s Solstice where a great cat followed a fleeing drunkard into the town of Pontarddulais and quickly devoured half of the hamlet’s population over the course of a week, the other half then justly executed for destruction of said great cat.
Rubbing Raw Filth Into One’s Open Sores
IT IS WELL KNOWN TO ALCHEMISTS AND WIZARDS AND OUR PRIESTS OTHER PRACTITIONERS OF SCIENCE that the disagreeable filth that covers our good people has a great many practical benefits, among them masking the stench commonly created by a person’s own existence, providing no small amount of protection from rainfall, and slowing the spread of the bloody pustules which afflict nearly everyone tainted by Original Sin.
HOWEVER THIS DOES NOT MEAN ONE MAY NOT DERIVE AMUSEMENT from finding new filth by which to introduce into one’s own weeping sores and cuts, animal wounds and other orifices both natural and self-inflicted. Not only would this have untold health benefits, but one may be visited to such wonders as seen by Mary Christbillinton of Penmaenmawr, who reported visions of God and his Host of Angels and also lurid visions of Hell and the eternal damnation that awaits us all upon applying a choice slime-mold directly into her eye sockets. And other miracles, such as reported by Charles Brighthamton, who last month applied an unidentified stool onto a freshly-dug wound and to his amazement saw his arm wither and fall away over a the next month.
Kinect Star Wars
LET IT BE KNOWN TO ALL THAT THE KING AND HIS MOST TRUSTED ADVISORS have seen fit that Kinect Star Wars is a worthwhile amusement to all, and that he reported great mirth at seeing the Dark Emperor Palpatine caper and dance merrily at his Royal Command, and that his experience with Kinect Star Wars was no less disagreeable than the three months he spent pissing Royal stones from his gizzard.
Staring at the Sun Until One Goes Blind
THE SUN AND THE HORRORS IT UNVEILS DAILY IS OUR GREATEST FOE, no less so for the light it then mockingly hides from us every night, allowing visitations from Orc raiding parties, the many reports of succubi attack upon our priestly class, and predation from our King’s mountain lions. However one may derive no small amount of amusement from the sun by staring directly back into its fiery gaze, thus creating great indelible holes into one’s own vision from which may emanate a host of delightful and terrifying visions, or more often than not nothing at all.
NEXT FORTNIGHT~! I WILL REGALE YOU WITH TALES OF HOW ONE MAY REPEATEDLY BASH THIER HEADS INTO WALLS AND OTHER SUITABLE OBJECTS UNTIL THEY NO LONGER RECALL DETAILS OF THEIR MISERABLE EXISTENCE
ALSO REPORTS OF THE NEWEST DIVERSION FROM THE HAMLET OF CHEDDAR: ROLLING WHEELS OF CHEESE DOWNHILL
ALSO CONTINUED REPORTS OF THE HORRORS OF SILENT HILL HD COLLECTION