Fair warning: I was distracted by the prospect of playing Dishonored over the weekend, so I may have made some minor errors in research for this week’s games. Also there may have been games that I did not research at all. Also I may or may not have spent most of the week writing Dishonored meets Bioshock Infinite slashfic.
Also in honor of Joe Biden’s virtuoso performance last night, today’s Wallet Abuse will be cuss-free. I think. Sometimes when I breathe I just mutter expletives by habit.
Developer: Arkane Studios
Publisher: Bethesda Softworks
Platforms: PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360
Is it fair to pre-emptively declare a video game as Game of the Year when 1: We’re not halfway through October yet and 2: I’ve yet to actually play the video game in question?
Look, I fully admit my expectations for Dishonored are unreasonable and likely prevent me from having a useful opinion, but if you tell me a game has combined the best elements of Deus Ex and Thief and combined it with a bit of Bioshock’s nouveau-Steampunk sensibilities and made even a halfway decent game out of those elements, I’m gonna go in fully believing that this game is not only going to be one of the best three games ever made, but also expecting sexual favors and hopefully a sandwich. Anyway, have you seen the stuff Dishonored is up against this year? It’s this, The Walking Dead, Assassin’s Creed 3 and.. well, that’s probably the list. Maybe Borderlands 2 gets up there but that’s not really through any great feat of it’s own.
If you’ve listened to our latest Free to Play podcast, you already know that I’m trying to avoid spoiling myself as much as possible to Dishonored and try to come in as fresh as I did to Bioshock some five years ago. I really want Dishonored to be up to that same level, and if it’s not I’m probably going to convince myself it’s there anyway.
Just Dance 4
Developer: Screw You
Publisher: Go To Hell
Platforms: Everything Terrible
Is it obvious that I’m distracted by the prospect of playing Dishonored over this weekend? Because I really and I could not bring myself to care less about the 87th blighted dance game released this console generation. Instead I’m going to talk about the death of an institution, The Toys R Us Buy 2 get 1 Free sale.
Did you guys catch this malarky? The B3G1 free sale is over, replaced with this gift card stuff. This sounds good in theory as the gift card is more flexible than a straight “Cheapest game free” deal, but the card itself is only valid through a very specific monthlong period extending through late October and the day before Black Friday. So that’s it, a Fall gaming tradition gone down the toilet, I’ll purchase Dishonored on Saturday instead of Sunday, I will probably never buy Sleeping Dogs and... good lord why is anyone selling Fall of Cybertron for sixty dollars?
Anyway, three things to know about Just Dance 4:
1: Features Wild Wild West-- Sadly the version from the awful Will Smith movie and not the excellent Escape Club song.
2: Sadly got Nicki Minaj to agree to include Super Bass before her altercation with Mariah Carey, thus denying us the chance to use Dance Battle Mode in the first ever motion-controlled video game slap fight.
3: I am rendered unable to type the term “Just Dance 4” without first typing “Dance Central 4” and later correcting myself.
Naughty Bear: Panic in Paradise
Developer: Artificial Mind and Movement
Publisher: 505 Games
Platforms: PlayStation Network, Xbox Live Arcade
So I’m going to buy the 360 version of Dishonored instead of the Steam version. I figure if Bethesda isn’t willing to cut me a deal for getting rid of the retail middleman I’d rather just have a disc. I feel like if I didn’t have a decent computer I’d actually be stressing this decision more; it’s sort of like having a good bit of money in your bank account and deciding to skip eating for lunch because you’d just rather eat at home and having twenty bucks in your account and getting a huge burrito and chips at Chipotle just to prove you still could if you wanted. Also Steam sales mean that pretty much any game you ever wanted to play is twenty bucks as long as you’re willing to sit out a few months.
Retro City Rampage
Developer: VBlank Entertainment
Publisher: D3 Publisher
Platforms: PlayStation Network
Yes, RCR is blatant video game nostalgia pandering. But you were also being pandered to with Scott Pilgrim vs The World, you were pandered to by Half-Minute Hero, you’re going to be pandered to when you watch Wreck-It Ralph in a few weeks. None of us are immune to this phenomenon nor are any of us above it. I would just caution that the lure of the early GTA games wasn’t that they were amazing gameplay experiences, but mainly in the unprecedented freeform havoc one could wreak, and if you’re not going for pixel-perfect gameplay then I’m not sure what the point is of recalling the bygone days of chunky sprites. Also, I'm kinda over 80’s worship. Movies and games aside, the 80’s were terrible.
Dragon Ball Z for Kinect
Harry Potter for Kinect
Developer: Chinese video game coder slaves chained in basement level 49 of The Foxconn Kinect Operations Lab, Zhengzhou Technology Park
Publisher: The actual Devil
Platforms: I hate you
So I guess (INSERT POP CULTURE FRANCHISE HERE) For Kinect is now A Thing, which must come as great news to publisher stockholders who grew worried that kids stopped buying awful Will TV show tie-in games and were convinced they were going to have to make do with 99 cent Temple Runner clones from now on. It’s also a great boon for parents who want to turn their kids off of both Dragon Ball and video games at the same time.
DISHONORED DISHONORED SOMETHING SNARKY ABOUT 007 LEGENDS DISHONORED DISHNORED DERSHONORED DERBISHHORRBOR VOTE JOE BIDEN 2016!