Wallet Abuse Was Playing Human Revolution for the Third Time and has no Gimmick for 9-18

 


 

 

Bit.Trip Complete
Developer: Gaijin Games
Publisher: Aksys Games
Platforms: Nintendo Wii, 3DoooooooooomedS

Don’t get too excited Wii owners; although Bit Trip Complete is a boxed retail product, it’s not actually a new game; instead it represents all of Gaijin Games WiiWare/Steam titles pressed onto disc and sold to the poor benighted Wii owners who lack online access. Chances are if you’re reading this and own a Wii you either own most of these games already.

Although it’s easy to understand why this compilation exits-- the percentage of Wii owners who are aware their system can go online, much less possesses an online store, must be tiny-- it’s harder to understand why these are still Nintendo exclusive. Microsoft probably has some sort of hilariously regressive and self-defeating regulation in place that would prevent these games from appearing on the 360, but surely Sony would not mind having this compilation kicking around their back catalog in some form, and the Bit.Trip aesthetic would look fucking amazing on the PSP screen. What I’m trying to say here is that I wish Gaijin would make it possible to buy their games without the indignity of buying new Nintendo hardware

 

Oh who am I kidding.

 


 

 

Gunstringer
Developer: Twisted Pixel FMV Studios
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios
Platforms: Intolerable Non-Controller Waggle Crap

You ever get the feeling that a reviewer is trying to talk himself into giving a game a good/middling review in spite of the obvious faults of the game or the game’s premise or even the hardware that game operates under? That’s the impression I got with virtually everything Twisted Pixel has ever produced that’s not named “Explosion Man”.

It’s difficult for me to judge Gunstringer correctly as it’s a Kinect game and thus the thought of actually playing it causes me the same sort of revulsion you get after drinking orange juice immediately after brushing your teeth, so maybe I’m being unfair-- But fuck, a barely functional lightgun game featuring large amounts of FMV on a system largely abandoned by it’s parent company? Is it 1995 again and we’re trying to pretend that the entirety of the American Laser Games portfolio wasn’t a massive waste of everyone’s time?

 


 

 

The Penguins of Madigascar in Dr Blowhole Returns (Again)
Developer: Griptonite Games
Publisher: Toy Head Quarters
Platform: PlayStation 3, Kinect, Nintendo DS, Wii

I can’t tell if this is a Happy Feet game or a Madagascar game or a Cats vs Dogs spinoff and quite frankly unless you’re under 8 neither can you. For those of you under 8, get your mom or dad or the person who’s frantically trying to get you across state lines to buy you a WayForward game instead. You’ll have more fun and they deserve your adult guardian’s money instead.

 


 

 
 

NHL12
Developer: EH Canada
Publisher: EH Sports
Platforms: PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

Hockey is a sport played with razor-sharp foot blades, giant hooked sticks, and genetically engineered Sweedish murder clones

 

...so videogames based around it are probably outstanding. I just wish I could grasp an understanding of more than two sports at any given time and there’s just no way I can let go of UNC basketball and/or the NFL.

Which is a shame, because NHL 12 looks even more gloriously violent than previous incarnations. In addition to the usual roster updates and yearly stat tinkering, goalies are now open to brutal assaults. Also in the most shocking advancement for gender equality in videogames since booth babes were banned from E3, you can make female hockey players, although it’s amusing to note that the create-a-player mode boasts 100 selectable male faces vs two female. No, no two dozen, not 22, just...two. Which is still roughly 100% more female faces than you usually see in sports games.

 


 

 

 

Nicktoons MLB
Developer: High Voltage Software
Publisher: 2K Play
Platforms: Xbox 360, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS

High Voltage is a wired company. They’re sorta like WayForward in that they have to produce bizarre licensed games in order to pay the bills, but unlike WayForward their personal high-concept core gamer titles tends to be stuff like The Conduit. Then again maybe being trapped in an endless cycle of crap games is the karmic price to pay for releasing Leisure Suit Larry: Magnum Cum Laude.

But hey, if you absolutely have to make a game starring both Ren Hoek and Johan Santana then the guys who gave the world White Men Can’t Jump is your first, second, and third choice.

 


 

 

Pucca Power Up
Developer: Rising Star Games
Publisher: UFO Games
Platform: Nintendo DS

As near as I can tell Pucca Power Up involves controlling adorable tiny Chinese gradeschooler Pucca as she valiantly tries to plant a kiss on her reluctant quasi-boyfriend Garu. Imagine a videogame based around Pepe Le Pew’s unending chase of Penelope Polecat, but with less implied sexual assault. Parents looking to purchase Pucca Power Up for their own adorable tiny gradeschool girls need to know they’re probably giving the child entirely the wrong idea of acceptable courtship rituals but this is a small price to pay for the absolutely hilarious dating society we’ll be able to witness fifteen years from now.

 


 

 

 

White Knight Chronicles
Developer: Level 5
Publisher: D3 Publisher
Platform: PlayStation 3

Our shores will in all likely hood never see translated North American versions of Xenoblade, The Last Story or Treasure’s Sega PS2 compliation discs--- But the sequel to a JRPG that peaked at 64% on Metacritic? Not a fucking problem!

 

Thanks, D3! Big help! If you churn out another dozen Ben 10 games before Christmas you might be able to still make the rent!

 


 

NEXT WEEK~!

With six weeks left in the season Codemasters is here with FORMULA ONE 2011 which is probably an outrage of some sort.

The improbable possible greatness of both GEARS OF WAR 3 and Resistance 3 in the same year will force the hardcore gamer community to realize that we have seen the brodudes; and they are us

SILENT HILL REMASTERED COLLECTION ushers in the first wave of PS2-era HD remasters and reminds us all that we probably don’t play enough Silent Hill