E3 2011: Rumored Project Cafe Launch List

E3 is creeping up, and you can smell the ridiculous rumors from a mile away! Brian will be elated, as E3 2011 is shaping up to be filled with so many .gifs, you'll have to buy an external harddrive. Let's dissect the first bit of 'delicious speculation', a list of games rumored to launch (or be within a launch window) of Nintendo's newest system, codenamed 'Project Cafe'. I don't think I need to point out the irony of getting a 'launch list' of games before we get the name of the actual system the games will release for, but hey! It's E3! WAKKA WAKKA

Let's see what we have here.

  • First Party
    • Launch Games
      • Extreme Sports Cafe (New IP, Combines 1080 and Wave Race + Other Sports)
      • Pikmin Cafe (Interfaces with Pikmin 3DS)
      • Endless Ocean Cafe
      •  Nintendogs Cafe Kennel (Interfaces with Nintendogs + Cats)
      • Mii Explore (New IP, Multiplayer Adventure Game)
    • Launch Window
      • Kirby's Epic Yarn 2 (Launch Window, Multiplayer)
      • Wario Ware Cafe (Launch - Launch Window?)
    • Future Games
      • Super Mario Cafe (Late 2012/Early 2013)
      • Legend of Paper Zelda (Mid 2012, Paper Mario version of SNES Zelda)
      • Fire Emblem Cafe (Late 2012)
      • Retro Studios IP (Late 2012, New IP)
      • Project Sora IP (New IP)
      • Monolith Soft RPG (New IP)
      • Miyamoto Game (New IP)
  • Third Party
    • Launch Games
      • Battlefield 3 (Extra Content)
      • Street Fighter X Tekken (Timed Exclusive)
      • SSX
      • Super Monkey Ball Cafe
      • Tony Hawk Cafe
      • Ridge Racer Cafe
      • Mass Effect 3 (Possibly with ME 1 + 2)
      • InVersion
      • Dragons Dogma
      • Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Future Soldier
      • Metal Gear Solid: Rising (Extra Content)
      • Silent Hill: Downpour (Extra Content)
      • PES 2013 Cafe (Timed Exclusive)
      • Trauma Center Cafe
    • Launch Window
      • Modern Warfare 3
      • Grand Theft Auto V (Launch, Timed Exclusive)
      • Dead Space Spin Off
      • Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles Cafe
      • Soul Caliber V (Extra Content)
    • Future Games
      • Sonic Cafe (Sonic Generations)
      • Platinum Games IP (Bayonetta 2)
      • Phantasty Star Online 2 (Late 2012?)
      • SEGA Game (???)
      • The Amazing Spider-Man: The Game
      • Rockstar Game (New IP?)
      • BioShock Infinite (Timed Exclusive)
      • Red Steel III
      • Beyond Good & Evil 2
      • Doom 4
      • Madden 2013 (Timed Exclusive)
      • Tiger Woods 13
      • Fight Night Cafe
      • Need for Speed Cafe
      • Level-5 Game (New IP)
      • Kingdom Hearts Cafe (Possibly KH3)
      • Square Enix Game (New IP)
      • Square Enix Game (???)
      • Grasshopper Game (New IP or No More Heroes 3)
      • Valve Game (Possibly a collection set + new game?)
      • Epic Games (New IP, Bulletstorm 2 or New Gears of War Trilogy exclusive to Cafe)

I'm calling it now: Legend of Paper Zelda is the funniest goddamn fake game title I've ever heard. There's also so many fallacies and holes in this list, you could fit LOST's island inside of it. What's your favorite part of the list? My favorite is the fact that people might believe any of this is real.

Or the fact that I posted about it on Nitrobeard, and am somehow perpetuating this grand cycle of chaos.

Shit.